‘BORN AND BRED BRIGHTONIANS FACE EXTINCTION BY 2019’: EXPERTS WARN

 

Brightonians are now closer to extinction than the snow leopard and white rhino scientists from the WWF revealed yesterday in a report that is set to send shockwaves around the city.

The study revealed that Brightonians are now down to just nine mating pairs, three of which are in their seventies. Keith and Lisa Harrington, one of the couples that are still of ‘child bearing age’, told The Bulletin about the strain it is having on their relationship.’It’s a lot of pressure on us really, I mean we are up for kids but we have a whole species relying on us and I don’t want to let anyone down, poor Keith is struggling. He told me not to say anything but the responsibility is starting to affect his performance if you know what I mean. It’s not easy on him he was already pissed off about the whole Brexit thing and now this.’

Jenny Marr from the Royal Society For The Protection of Born and Bred Brightonians the RSPBBB has been monitoring the situation of Keith and Lisa for months and is hopeful there will be a happy ending. ‘I have everything crossed that they can pull it off and give us hope’ she said. However Keith is becoming increasingly annoyed by her presence. ‘She is everywhere! sometimes I’m walking home from work and she pops up and shoves a bunch of flowers in my hand, I have caught her trying to slip Viagra in my pint and one night she just parked outside our house blaring Barry White from her car stereo. She is a pissing nutter its doing my swede’ he bemoaned.

It is now thought that Brighton is made up of travelling hippies, ex Londoners, students who never went home, notherners here for the summer, rich kids from Surrey who pretend they are poor, Irish people and vegans (who are technically not classified). It had been hoped there would be at least 5 more Brightonians but research revealed all five were actually from Seaford and had been showing off to their pals the whole time.

 

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5 thoughts on “‘BORN AND BRED BRIGHTONIANS FACE EXTINCTION BY 2019’: EXPERTS WARN

  1. I am a 5 generation brightonion, also have kids, and 4 siblings which are also born n bred in Brighton, I think u need to recheck your poll, as there are allot more than u think!!

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  2. I dispute the findings on a scientific basis. On a recent extended field trip to the outer reaches of Bevendean the team came across numerous mating pairs of Brightonians behind a wall next to an idustrial estate. After making communication which was, I admit, difficult at first due to them being distracted, we were told of other secret meeting places, called ‘shagouts’, all over Brighton (but not Hove, actually). The team was told in no uncertain terms that to reveal the locations of shagouts would result in being banned from every off license and pub in Brighton – such is the secret power that being a true Brightonian has. So I’m sorry to say your article is very misleading.The Brightonian is alive and well and possibly numbering several hundreds and in nine months time, that number will increase.

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