Officials have tonight warned that the city is on the brink of facing another period in lockdown. Residents are facing the prospect of following Leicester back into isolation as health officials report a worrying increase in cases of the clap.
Scientists and data modellers believe that easing of lockdown measures have contributed a sharp rise in shagging, which in turn have seen cases of nobrot absolutely skyrocket. Local police chiefs have echoed the government message of ‘Bag it up. Before You Bang it Up. Stay Alert’, as they described last Friday’s scenes on West St as, ‘like watching dogs on heat’.
Government officials have warned that cock covering in pubs could be made mandatory as early as Monday, although they have said staff and those with medical conditions will be exempt.
One unfortunate victim of The Dose spoke exclusively to The Brighton Bulletin on the condition her identity was protected. Miss F. Scratcher of 345A Blatchington Road, who works at the big Tesco said, ‘It was a nightmare, I thought the itching would never end’.
Top shaggers will receive a letter this week asking them to shield for 14 days and anyone with even the slightest of itch on their bollocks or minge are advised to get tested immediately.