With the general election less than a month away and many Brightonians still unsure of how to vote the Brighton Bulletin has put together this handy guide to help you decide which party to choose. We concentrate on the local matters that affect YOU, so just answer the three questions below, tally up your score and see where your allegiances lie.
A pesky seagull keeps busting bin bags and spreading rubbish all over your street. Do you….
• Get your mates and all their dogs together, borrow your mother in law’s horse and chase the little bugger out of town. Once the seagull is knackered get the dogs to eat him (2 points)
• Collect up all the rubbish and build a fully working bike out of it, you can then use it to ride on the road next to cycle lanes. Make yourself a new hat with any remaining rubbish. (4 points)
• Send the barstard seagull back to France. Who does he think he is coming over here taking our litter lout’s jobs? (1 point)
• Employ 30 special ‘Seagull Officers’ to watch over the seagulls. Pay for the increase in council staff by um, er…..sort that out later (3 points)
Your mate from uni has heard Brighton is a ‘cracking night out’ and has come to stay for the weekend. He will be staying in your spare room, do you……
• Even though he brings joy and happiness to your life tell him to do one. We are taking our city back. No outsiders allowed. (1 point)
• Buy the house next door so he has more space. Pay for the house with the amusements tickets you have collected from the pier over the years. (3 points)
• Charge him an extortionate tax for staying in your spare room leaving the poor prick with no money to go out with and barely enough for a Buddies breakfast. (2 points)
• Let him stay for as long as he wants rent free. Six months later he is still there, he has grown dreadlocks, he has used all your furniture for firewood and enjoys taking bike rides on the road next to cycle lanes. (4 points)
It’s a lovely Sunny day in Brighton. The world is your oyster, do you…..
• Put on your corduroy slacks and head down to your local Wetherspoons to laugh at the poor people. (2 points)
• Head down to Flight Centre and book a Caribbean cruise, ensure you take your swaps from your World Cup 98 sticker album to pay for it. (3 points)
• Get on your bike and head off to protest about something you read about on Facebook but have no clue about. (4 points)
• Stay in and post inaccurate immigration memes on Facebook. Why would you need to leave your house anyway, outside is full of Muslims. (1 point)
How did you score…..?
3-4 – Well this is awkward. Despite your second cousins boyfriend being black you are most probably a racist. You should probably vote UKIP or BNP once you have done this you can head off to your local to have a pint of German beer before finishing the night of with a lovely Indian curry.
5-7 – Whilst your intentions may be good you can sometimes come across as a right twat. You probably push in the queue at Waitrose and despite doing OK for yourself you have never once paid for a carrier bag at the self serve till. You my friend are what is known as a Tory.
8-10 –Your life is perfect, absolutely fantastic, that is until you check your bank balance. You are the nob who invites all your mates out for a big one and expects all of the poor sods to pay for your night. You will be voting Labour.
11-12 – As long as there are bikes to ride, trees to hug and stuff to protest about you will be just fine. Don’t worry about anything else of any substance that will sort itself out. Find a field, lie down and vote green.