Rail Strike Update: Grown Adults Still F*cking Arguing About Who is Going to Close The Poxy Doors on a Train

Two businessmen fighting on a couch in front of a laptop

The Brighton Bulletin can today reveal in a world exclusive that two groups of human beings, who quite frankly should know better, are still squabbling over the who gets to press the little button on a train to open a close the door.

The feud, which has been going on for months, was thought to be nearing an end with the boss of Southern Rail preparing to say sorry and bury the hatchet. However it is reported that he said it in a sarcy way and the boss of the RMT got the right hump and the two are no longer speaking. The Bulletin managed to get hold of a secret recording of a meeting between the pair earlier this month. We have published the transcript below.

RMT – ‘Alright’

Southern Rail – ‘Alright’

RMT – ‘Can we shut the doors on the train please?’

SR – ‘Um, well it would be a lot cheaper if we didn’t have to pay someone to shut the door but maybe we can sort this and compromise’

RMT – ‘Just do what you want…………’

SR – ‘Are you OK, you seem angry’

RMT – ‘I’m fine’

SR – ‘You sure? You seem irritable’

RMT – ‘I said, I’m fine’

SR – ‘Well you’re obviously not fine’

RMT – ‘ I SAID I’M F*CKING FINE ALRIGHT! I’m pissed off now because you kept sodding asking. F*ck your train doors you can shove them up your arse. Sideways’

It was at this point both gentleman stormed out of the room. The dialogue continued about ninety minutes later.

RMT – ‘Sorry about that I lost my cool. I made you a cup of tea’

SR- ‘Cheers, Apology accepted’

RMT – ‘…………Are you not going to apologise?’

SR – ‘ Well, I don’t really think I did anything wrong’

RMT – ‘You don’t think you did anything wrong?’

SR – ‘OK, I’m sorry’

RMT – ‘ F*CK YOU, YOU SARCY PR*CK! F*CK YOUR TRAINS, F*CK YOUR DOORS IM DONE WITH YA. IM OFF TO STAY AT MY MUMS’

Both men again left the room and didn’t return which has fuelled speculation that this dispute is set to run well into 2017. It is thought the pair are now back communicating over text although neither one has put a ‘x’ at the end of the message yet.

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