Local Woman Sets New Commonwealth Record For Time Taken Faffing Around at a Cashpoint

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A Brighton woman sealed her place in the history books yesterday by smashing the Commonwealth record for time spent flapping around holding others up at an ATM.

Julie Golding of Devonshire Place in Kemp Town, broke the record at 1pm yesterday. Mrs Golding managed to spend a total of 23 minutes and 12 seconds pissing around before finally vacating the machine outside Sainsbury’s Local at the bottom of St James Street. The 36 year old mobile hairdresser eclipsed the previous record, set by an Australian woman in Perth six years ago, by a full two minutes.

The achievement could have easily gone unnoticed if it wasn’t for Robert Mathie, a keen reader of the Guinness Book of World Records, who was part of the 18 strong human tailback at the cashpoint. Mr Mathie said, ‘I joined the queue to get some cash out and at this point there was only about two people in it. After a couple of minutes I noticed the woman at the machine was really fannying around but didn’t think that much of it. About ten minutes later I thought this is a bloody piss take but I also started to think about the record. My Auntie Sonia gets me The Guinness Book of Records for Christmas every sodding year and I thought we must be getting close to the Aussie woman’s record so I Googled their number and Skype called them. They stayed on the phone until she had finished and verified the record’. Mr Mathie told Julie of the good news and he put her in touch with officials from the record books.

The Bulletin managed to catch up with Mrs Golding who was still coming to terms with it all, ‘I cant really believe it the whole thing is a bit overwhelming, who would have thought it, little old me a record holder! I only wanted to get a tenner out but first I put my Natwest card in and kept putting in my Barclays pin. I finally realised my mistake and then spent a while digging out the my Barclays card. Once I had put that one in I spent a good ten minutes shielding my pin, making sure no one was looking or the machine wasn’t bugged before checking my balance, I was just about to proceed but I pressed cancel instead of clear so it spat my card out. I started again but this time I accidentally pressed £100 instead of £10 so I had to cancel that one and start over, after that I finally got it right but the bastard machine was out of tenners so I had to cancel that one and go again. To be honest it was taking a while but I didn’t notice the queue behind me until I was done and Robert came and congratulated me. I did get a big cheer when I walked off which was a lovely touch’ she said.

Despite being the Commonwealth record holder Mrs Golding has a long way to go to beat the World Record of 2 hours 10 minutes set by a Russian man, although controversy still surrounds his record which is plagued by strong rumours of state sponsored doping.

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